I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Success! We fucked roommates!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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