i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
