Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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