Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
