Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
