My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
