Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
