I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
