Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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