So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
