you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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