guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
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If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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