Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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