Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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