His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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