so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
