Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
