this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
