Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
