I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
