Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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