if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
