A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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