Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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