At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
