Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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