Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
