Where did you get a picture of my penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Watching her eat just hurts me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
