another moral hangover. fuck.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
