Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
