Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
