I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
