I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
