Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
