I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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