i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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