Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
