the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
