I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
