Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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