I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
