How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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