I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
