the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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