shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
