she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can I color on your dick again?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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