so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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