I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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