Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
