I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
