he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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