You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
