I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
