i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
