Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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