I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
