oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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