Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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