One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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