As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
