Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
